I know it must be weird seeing something from me, but I was thinking about you
and felt compelled to write you this. I wish I knew why you didn’t want to talk
to me anymore, but I just really hope you read this all the way through.
Okay, here I go…
You were one of my closest friends and I find myself thinking
about little things that we’ve been through every now and then. You were the
first boy to ask me to be his girlfriend. You were the first boy to ever get me
flowers. I actually still have that card you gave me from Valentine’s Day in 7th
grade. I was cleaning up a bunch of stuff a while back and found it. I read it
and had completely forgotten that you had signed it “Dark Angel”. Oh my gosh, do
you remember that? All the freakin nicknames we used to make up for ourselves in
7th grade. Haha what were we thinking?
I still remember being home one day and
Andy called my house and had asked me out for you for the first time when we
were in 5th grade. I was so shocked cause no one had ever asked me out. I was so
confused and instantly said no. But I will admit that it had me smiling the rest
of the week.
The main thing I remember and will always remember about you, is
the fact that you were the first person to ever make me feel pretty. It might
not sound like a lot, but it was (and is) a big deal to me. Especially in junior
high. You know first hand what a huge tomboy I was, and for some reason I was
part of the group with all the popular, pretty girls. And even though all the
girls I hung out with tried to constantly give me make overs and get me to look
“better” and more like them, you still thought I was pretty.
From 5th grade all
the way into high school, we both confided in each other about our most recent
crushes. I would listen to you, and you would listen to me on our many phone
calls. But when it came down to it, you would assure me that no matter how many
girls you dated, or liked, that I was “the one”. I used to think (and still do
in all honesty) that you were completely crazy! Me?? There must have been
something wrong with your brain, that much was certain. I knew what I was and
wasn’t, and I definitely wasn’t one of the pretty girls.
I still remember in 7th
grade when Sharlet called me and told me you wrote your English class poem about
me. I remember she wrote it down after getting it from you over the phone, and
gave it to me. I don’t remember everything it said but I remember how it felt
knowing someone out there wrote a poem about me. I don’t think I ever thanked
you for that, so thank you. That was probably one of the sweetest things anyone
has EVER done for me and we were only 13! How sweet is that. I can’t wait to
tell my daughter about these stories. She’s 10 now, so she’s the same age as
when we met and when I transferred to Jim Bridger and met you.
Besides all the
nice memories, there are 2 things that I deeply regret. The 1st thing is this… I
forgot how old we were, but I’m pretty sure we were in junior high. You called
me and told me you were getting baptized. I know that at that time in my life, I
really had no good knowledge of what that meant. In that time in my life, all I
really knew was that; in my family being Mormon was a no-no. a And when you
invited me to attend, I was afraid my mom would get mad if I went and blah blah
blah.
You actually begged me to go. You kept saying please and I repeatedly said
no. I do remember asking you “Why?” once, and that was when you told me that you
were told to invite people who mean a lot to you, and that it would mean
everything to you if I was there. And I just finally said “I can’t”. In the end,
I didn’t end up going, and believe me, I felt like a total bitch for not going.
Even in that time when I didn’t understand the importance of what you were
doing, I still felt really bad.
Being baptized myself when I was 24, I thought
about you a lot during that time. Even if you’re not active now (or if you are,
I don’t really know), I just want to tell you sorry. It happened many years ago,
but I will always regret not going.
The 2nd thing I regret is the following…
After more than 7 years of asking me to be your girlfriend, I finally said yes.
I truly wish I hadn’t because it changed EVERYTHING. We were only in high school
but even then, we both knew we were a sucky couple. I don’t even remember how
long we went out for but I know it wasn’t long before we both realized it wasn’t
going good. I wish we never went out because you stopped talking to me and you
stopped being my friend. Even after high school, I still thought about our
friendship and us and wished it had never changed. It literally changed
everything. I used to value our friendship so much and now I don’t have that
anymore. It really sucks.
I’m okay now, actually more than okay. I’m very happy
with my life and how things have been going for me. I have two beautiful,
awesome kids who mean the world to me. But sadly, after high school, I went
through some horrible relationships, and I was not in a very good place for
quite some time. I don’t know if you remember but I have always had issues with
my self-esteem. That kind of plays into not believing you all those years when
you would tell me how you felt. But after many years, I finally met my amazing
husband and he has been incredible to me. He is the second person to ever make
me feel pretty, and even beautiful. He knows all about you and is very
supportive about me writing you this whole thing.
When we were in junior high, I
always thought of how we’d be like as adults. You were one of my best friends,
and I always pictured us as close friends when we were older too. I thought once
we were “sophisticated” and old enough to drive without a curfew, that we’d be
the kind of friends that would meet up at least once a month for lunch just to
catch up and have a break from our hectic lives. I pictured both of us married
and we’d have play dates with our kids and as they got older, they would know
all about us and how close we always were. And of course, our spouses would be
awesome and get along great too.
I really did picture all of this, and if you
knew me as well as I thought you did, then you must know that I am telling the
truth.
But now, we don’t even talk. I often wish we were still friends cause I
used to love talking to you. It feels so unfair because it feels like you hate
me and I have no idea what I did to make you not want anything to do with me.
You have no idea how happy I was when you sent me that friend request a while
back. I even told my husband and he was happy for me cause he knows how much you
meant to me. Then weeks later, you popped into my mind and I wanted to see what
you were up to, then I saw that we were no longer “friends”. It really hurt me
since I felt like we could actually start talking again, but it was clear that
that wasn’t going to happen, and I just had to move on.
I just hope you’re doing
well and all this is to basically tell you thank you.
I sincerely mean it.
Thank
you for all those years of being my friend, thank you for caring for me the way
you did.
Thank you for being the first boy to call me beautiful when I felt
anything but that, but most of all, above everything else, thank you for being
the first person to ever make me feel worthwhile, important, and wanted.
It may
have happened almost 2 decades ago, but you did make a difference in my life.
This is not a drill. Did you hear me? Sound the alarms! I am actually pregnant!!
The following is the series of events that lead up to this wonderful moment in our lives. My hope is that anyone struggling finds this and feels a little less alone, that they will know they are not broken because of the struggle with infertility and will reach out to people for love and support. I didn't do a lot of that and I know first hand how confusing and painful it can be. Hopefully this can help someone out.
-- The Beginning--
When Julio and I first got married, we were living with my mom. I have wanted 7 kids for as long as I can remember, and there are 7 kids in his family and he often told me how much he wanted a big family too. By the time we were married in 2009, I had had my IUD in for about 6 years (I had the 10 year one, the copper). Even though we lived with my mom, we wanted to try and have more kids soon after. We went to Planned Parenthood on January 1, 2010 and decided that year would be the year we would have another baby. It was very exciting. My body hadn't carried another human for almost 7 years so I was a little nervous but excited to extend our family.
We thought it would happen right away but were warned that after having an IUD for so many years, it may take a little longer even if I was ovulating regularly. It didn't happen right away. I was miserable thinking I was a failure. I was absolutely heartbroken that I wasn't getting pregnant right away. It finally happened 4 months later in April. We didn't tell anyone that we were trying for those short 4 months. We didn't tell any friends or family that I took out my IUD either. At that same time, I had a few friends who had been dealing with infertility for YEARS so I did not feel it was right to be complaining about 4 short months. I will admit though, during those 4 months, I felt so alone and hopeless and I just kept thinking something was seriously wrong with me. I still didn't say anything to anyone because I constantly thought if I said anything, it would be met with an eye roll and some kind of "you're complaining about 4 short months??" comment. So I stayed quiet about it. Even though it happened in less than half a year, it dragged on for those 4 months and I was miserable each time every pregnancy test came out negative. I am thankful it wasn't longer but I am more thankful I was able to have a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby.
(Here is our Jonathan at his 4 month ultrasound growing in my belly in 2010)
Jonathan was born in January 2011. A perfect little boy. My first son.
Fun little fact: I have been obsessed with the name Jonathan for YEARS. It is a well known fact amongst my immediate family that I was going to name my first son Jonathan. When Julio and I got married, I didn't really think much of it but I am sooo glad he agreed to it since I had that specific name picked for many, many years.
(Our oldest Leila meeting her baby brother, Jonathan for the first time)
(Look at how freaking adorable Jonathan was at about 2 weeks old!)
Right after having Jonathan, I knew I wanted to use the IUD again for birth control. When I first did the copper IUD, I had no weight issues, my period stayed the same, there was no issues with cramping and best of all, I had no complications or weird reactions. I didn't really want to use the 10 year one again because like I said, we did want more kids. I told my doctor and she recommended the Mirena IUD. It lasts up to 5 years and you can take it out at any time between then. The procedure to put it in was the same so I knew what to expect.
We were good to go!
When Jonathan was born, we were still living with my mom. That time was extremely hard financially. I had quit my job to stay home with Jonathan. It was the best! I loved being home with him every day and even though we did struggle, I wouldn't change anything about that time. When Jonathan was 6 months old, we decided a better move financially for us as a family would be to move in with Julio's parents. We decided we would live with them for about 6 months, no more than a year, while we were able to save up some money and finally get our own place. We had this nice little plan. Once we had our own place, it would be a perfect time to try and have another baby.
Boy... how much things can change in a short few months.
Julio got laid off. So our 6 months stretched to more than a year. We were both going to school at this time and while we were trying to get ahead and become successful, it was very draining. The idea of having another baby quickly was put on the shelf because it would have definitely added a few more years of living in my in-laws basement. We were already living there for a little over a year! We were supposed to be out by now.
Julio's paid internship ended after he graduated. He quickly found a job but sadly, it did not turn into anything permanent. It was just struggle after struggle and we couldn't seem to get ahead. Our nice little plan to live there for no more than a year turned into 3 1/2 years. It went by so fast and as much as we wanted our own place, our credit was in the trash and we were still trying to save as much as possible.
-- The Middle (a.k.a. Now) --
When we were finally able to start looking for a home for our little family, things were going great. I had a great paying job, Julio had finally become a permanent employee at his current job instead of "on call" and we were saving money and paying off debt. We decided to wait until we were living on our own to finally start trying for baby #3.
We finally had our very own home in January 2015. Jonathan was going to be starting school that coming fall and since we had had those dreadful 4 months of trying when we first tried to conceive, we figured it might take a few months again. So, we might as well start soon!
I took out my Mirena IUD a few days before Valentine's Day and things drastically changed.
I cannot stress this enough...
I will never, never in my entire life EVER get an IUD ever again. I had been recommending them to everyone and talked about how convenient they are. But nope... never again.
A few days after I was IUD free, I woke up and felt like a completely different person. I had no energy to do anything. I figured I didn't get a good night's sleep. I felt odd but could not pinpoint the problem. Then the crying started. I would get extremely depressed and would cry over everything. There were days that I was not even able to get out of bed.
IT WAS HORRIBLE.
I had no idea what was going on. I finally told Julio, "I think something is seriously wrong with me."
When I say I had no energy, I don't mean when you're sore from moving so much, or how you feel after having a crazy productive and busy day. I mean I had no energy to even go to the bathroom. My husband had to walk me to the door, close it for me and it would take me MINUTES to walk from our bathroom door to the toilet. Our bathroom is not big whatsoever.
Since there was nothing physically wrong with me, Julio didn't really think too much of it. We both actually thought I may be getting a little sad of the thought of it taking a long time again to try and get pregnant like last time. I kept telling him and he was great and encouraging and tried his best to help me but I didn't even know what I needed, so how could he help me exactly?
I told him I felt stupid and worthless. I just wanted to die. I guaranteed him I wouldn't hurt myself because even though I felt this way, it scared me more than anything. I didn't have any plans to hurt myself or anyone else. I was so confused on why I felt like this. Nothing bad had happened so I had no idea where this was coming from. The good and lucky thing about me was that I was fully aware that this was not normal and I needed some kind of help. I told him I wasn't able to stop feeling like this no matter how much I tried. I really did try and "fix" my mood daily but there were days that I was just a zombie and totally useless to anything and anyone around me. On top of that, I had no idea what was wrong with me. I only ever told one other person, my mom. She was scared for my kids and rightfully so but I told her it was nothing like that. I had no idea what was happening to me but it was really starting to scare me.
Suddenly, a few weeks passed and Julio told me he knew what it was. He had been researching stuff online and found out about this thing called "The Mirena Crash". We read all these articles together and everything I was reading felt like it was written just for me in that particular time.
To sum it up, this Mirena Crash happens when the IUD gets taken out and your hormones get all out of whack. Some women experience it for only a few days. Others like myself, can experience the crash for months. It was the absolute worst and I will never again recommend an IUD to anyone else ever again. Not because they don't work, but because if I had known this was a possibility that this MIGHT happen to me, I would not have risked it.
If you have an IUD or if you are thinking of getting one, please PLEASE research about the Mirena Crash. It's real, I lived it and it is an absolute hell. I know just because it happened to me, doesn't mean it will happen to everyone else. But why risk it? Please research it before you decide to use one.
There are two things you have to know about me and my body;
First, my immune system sucks. It doesn't matter how much I take care of myself or what vitamins I take. If someone in my family gets a cold, I get the flu.
Second, things usually have the opposite effect on me. Coffee puts me to sleep, energy drinks do too. I have no idea if this is a condition or just me but I have been this way for as long as I can remember. This is why I am always weary about trying anything new.
The Mirena Crash came, conquered and then left as if nothing had happened. Julio and I were more than glad once I felt like myself again. Those were some horrible, horrible months. Once it was gone, it was like turning on a light switch. I was myself again. Hopeful, cheerful, finally excited to start trying for baby #3.
We expected a few months with no success since that was what happened the previous time. Four months came and went. Then it was suddenly a year later and still no baby. When that first year hit, we decided to make an appointment with my OBGYN. She was great and very helpful. She told us that there is no way to tell how long it could take and a year wasn't something that was totally unheard of after taking out an IUD. We were sad but not ready to give up.
The start of the second year was very difficult for me, emotionally. I felt absolutely broken. I was so confused on why this was happening to me. I kept thinking I was a failure, not woman enough to be able to do the one thing my body is supposed to be able to do. It was very hard. Julio was amazing during that time. He hugged me each time I cried. He reassured me after every negative pregnancy test.
If you are still reading this and don't want to know about TMI (as if what IUD I had isn't already too informative), then it is about to get personal af.
So, if you are willing, keep reading it.
FULL DISCLOSURE, lots of info up ahead some might consider TMI.
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Ready to keep reading?
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Are you sure?
Okay, here we go.
At the beginning of the second year is when we really started getting a little more serious other than just trying the good ol' fashioned way.
This was when my OBGYN recommended to start doing inseminations. Before we could start on that though, she recommended a procedure called HSG (Hysterosalpingography). I had never heard of it but we researched it and agreed to do it.
(Dye is put through the fallopian tubes to make sure there is no blockage)
I was positive they would find something that was blocking the way and that we would finally have the reason why we weren't getting pregnant. I was scheduled to do the HSG in January of 2017 and I was terrified since this was the first time I was having an actual procedure done to try and see about any serious issues but I was more than willing to get answers.
Two words describe my experience with HSG: NEVER AGAIN!!!
It was the absolute worst pain I have ever experienced. The worst part (besides the pain) was that Julio wasn't allowed to go in with me. There were two technicians who I had never seen before that did the dye and were all up in my area. They were professional and even nice with trying to make conversation to ease my nerves. There was a nurse there who held my hand and wiped my tears because I was crying so much over the pain. I wish I could remember her name. She kept telling me it was okay and that it was almost over. It was so frustrating because the two techs kept telling me to relax and not be tense. As ANY WOMAN who has had a pap smear knows, it isn't exactly the easiest thing to not tense up when someone is all up in there. This was even more difficult because it was just about the worst pain I had ever felt in my entire life, and it was constant. I was groaning, trying to hold back from screaming, I was biting my hand, and that sweet nurse just wiped away my sweat and tears. It was horrible. I hated it. There were 3 other people in the room with me but I had never felt so alone. I never want to go through that again.
The only positive thing from that procedure was that we found out that there was no blockage. My fallopian tubes were great and there was no reason to explain why I wasn't getting pregnant. We decided to start trying with inseminations a few weeks later.
This was when I started taking Clomid. For those that don't know, Clomid is a little pill to help start ovulation. A few months before is when I started getting my blood drawn to check if I was ovulating regularly. When it was showing that I was ovulating, I had to go in to see my OBGYN within a 2 day period and this is when we did the beginning of the inseminations.
It was a little hard to accept that my husband and I had to go this route to try and have another baby. We did this for months. The Clomid really messed with my hormones. My OBGYN warned me from the get go about my hormones going a little crazy but also said it sometimes didn't affect women in a major way. Julio and I knew from the beginning that there may be a good chance it would affect me in a major way knowing how my body is, but I was willing to try it.
It was a very emotional rollercoaster but at least I knew the reason behind it from the start. I wasn't sitting there wondering why I was feeling worthless or depressed all of a sudden. It was a little easier to get through than when I was going through The Mirena Crash.
After months of getting poked for blood, peeing on an endless amount of ovulation tests, the roller coaster with my hormones after taking the Clomid and being inseminated with my husband's swimmers, my emotional and mental health was taking such a hit, we decided to take a step back. We met with my OBGYN again and she said a lot of couples have success after taking Clomid for as many months as we did. We had a little bit of hope once we heard that.
Right after the last time we did an insemination, my OBGYN also recommended a study that was being done at the University of Utah called FAZST. FAZST is a medical trial to determine if Zinc and Folic Acid improves chances in conceiving. We decided to give that a try. It was simple and the people who helped us get started were great. I got a free FitBit for being in the study so that was a nice little gift. The FitBit was to help me keep track of my health and how much I worked out. This study was mostly for Julio though. He had to take pills (Zinc and Folic Acid) and we were to keep trying regularly and if we got pregnant, then yay! FAZST was 6 months long but sadly, still no baby at the end of the study (January 2018).
Around the same time we started FAZST, we decided to start looking into IVF. This was July of 2017 and it changed so much of how well I knew my body. I didn't really know how or what to prepare for an IVF consultation. Julio and I just went in with the intention of finding out how much it may cost and when we could start if it was something affordable. We knew from stories and reading online how expensive it can get, so we just wanted to get an idea so we could possibly start preparing for it in the near months.
There were so many questions about infertility and family history that I never really thought to try and find out before the appointment. One thing I mentioned that I felt would be important was my age when I started my period. I was 8 years old, didn't even know what periods were yet. I still remember when I woke up, saw blood and ran to my mom thinking I was dying! Then she had the period talk with me and she also told me she started her period when she was really young too. I mentioned that same thing to the IVF doctor and he started asking about the history of the women in my family. I was pretty clueless. Luckily, my mom had access to her phone at the same time that afternoon during our appointment so I started messaging her. What I learned blew my mind.
Not only did my mom start her period at a super young age like me, but she went through menopause when she was only 28 years old. That was enough to send me into a worried frenzy. I was about to turn 33 in a couple of weeks and talking to this specialist had me convinced I would be starting menopause soon. We talked about the possibility of me having endometriosis, polycystic ovary syndrome and going through menopause. The fact of how much it all would cost suddenly didn't seem important at all anymore. I was so convinced I would never have kids again.
We met once more with the IVF specialist in August 2017 to do some blood work and told them we would be coming back in a few months once we had figured out the financial aspects of it. We never went back. Not because we didn't want to but simply because we could not afford it.
It was the beginning of yet another year and I started to get it in my head that a baby was just not meant to be. It was January of 2018 and we finished with the FAZST study and we were so tired. Mostly me. I had put my body through so much, not only physically but emotionally and mentally. I was just beat. I was so exhausted. These last few years were just so draining.
In April 2018, I had a regular check up with my OBGYN. After going over the regular stuff, we informed her that we did see the IVF specialist but it just wasn't possible right now and my doctor was great; sympathetic and understanding. This was the first time she told us what we were dealing with: "unexplained infertility". It just happens. There is no way to tell where it stems from, and worst of all, there is no way to tell if or when it might end. That's what I hated the most, the NOT knowing. If I had known for a fact that I will never have kids ever again, that my uterus is too damaged, at least I would know for sure. Of course, it would break my heart but at least I would know. But these last few years have just given me a sense of what seemed like false hope.
It was a few weeks later that Leila was starting to help out in fundraising for a project she and other kids were involved in to raise money to go to Seattle. I helped organize a few things to try and raise money and then suddenly, it hit me.
WHY DON'T WE JUST FUNDRAISE FOR IVF???
We had been really trying to raise funds to help out the kids and I couldn't help but think "Why can't we just do the same for IVF?" But I instantly thought raising enough money for the IVF treatment would take too long and I wasn't getting any younger. I brought up an idea to Julio and I was just so positive it would work out. I told him we should just take out a loan for the treatment and we could fundraise to earn the money back to pay for it. Even though he didn't shoot the idea down right away, I know my husband and he was not thrilled about the idea about taking out any loan and getting more debt. I wasn't in love with the idea either but I was so desperate to try and do the IVF treatment. Nothing else seemed to be working and even though the IVF specialist told us it may not work AT ALL because of my history, I really wanted to try it.
We both decided to think about it and come to a conclusion at a later time. We took weeks to think about it and I have no idea what it was, but I told Julio to not worry about it anymore. I had to face the fact that I was not going to have any more kids. We had tried everything we could possibly afford, and even with IVF not being a guarantee, I didn't want to put my body through hell again.
The months, weeks and days leading up to us leaving to Seattle, I was secure (still sad) about our family staying a family of 4 for the rest of our lives. I know our 2 kids would grow up, eventually get married, have their own families and our family would grow. I just wanted my ideal 7 kids so badly. It was very hard to realize for myself it was just never going to happen. Besides, we were just too busy. Our house is too small for another baby. It all added up and I tried to look for any reason to make myself think this was the way it was supposed to be and I just had to come to terms with it.
Suddenly, Seattle was among us in late June. Seattle was a blast! Our daughter got to meet actors from the Avengers Infinity War movie and we got to sightsee a place neither of us had ever been to before. It was so much fun and it felt like a very much needed getaway from the stress and the depression that was looming over me because of infertility. We were so busy during those weeks but it was great. Immediately after Seattle, my daughter and I had to leave to go camping with our church. Camping was also great but kicked my butt. I did some things that surprised even me! I rock climbed a wall, I jumped into a FREEZING lake from a zip line which was terrifying but worth it in the end. On the second to the last day of camp, we went on a hike. If you don't know me at all, then let me tell you now that I am not outdoorsy at all and will avoid hikes if possible. I wanted to be a team player and did it but that hike.... it just about killed me! My legs were hating me at the end. The next morning was Friday and we were packing, getting ready to leave back home. I was excited to see my boys again. I missed them so much.
Leila and I got home and wanted to shower right away. I took a super long unexpected nap and was pretty much useless after putting our things away. We went out for ice cream in the evening and headed home. The next day, I felt like absolute garbage but I was positive it was because of being in the sun for so long. I asked the other ladies that were camping with us and they were right there along with me. We all felt like we were dragging our feet, super exhausted and just BEAT. Ah, I'm not the only one then so I wasn't too worried. I started to get a little suspicious when it was almost a week later and I had not started to feel better at all. Some of the other ladies were the same but told me they did feel better.
I HAVE HEAT STROKE! HEAT EXHAUSTION! I CAUGHT SOMETHING FROM THE LAKE!
I knew it. There was no other explanation as to why I was feeling so crummy. I suddenly realized... Hmm, I was supposed to start my period when I was up at the camp. I even took the necessary things up there ready for when I started... but nope. No period. I didn't want to get too excited or even start to get my hopes up but that's when the vomiting started. I knew this feeling a little too well. I had only felt it twice before and both times were during my pregnancies. But like I said, I didn't want to get too ahead of myself and assume anything and be all vocal about it. I decided to take one of our leftover pregnancy tests from the times we were keeping track of ovulating and doing the blood tests. I checked the box and there was only one left. I didn't tell Julio anything and just did it by myself. I waited anxiously after peeing on that dreadful stick. I was expecting a very obvious negative just like I had been seeing for the last few years. Not this time.
(This was the first test. Is it just me or is it not TOO clear?)
Do you see how the line on the right is slightly less bright? I just wasn't entirely convinced this was a definite positive. I decided to make an appointment with my OBGYN and get a definite answer and then I could do something cute to surprise Julio once it was confirmed. I have always wanted to do that.
But then, I realized... what if I am not? And Julio has no idea and I go to the doctor and they confirm that I am definitely not pregnant. I will have to go through that alone. He was in the living room with the kids and I called him over. I told him how I had not stopped feeling queasy and actually started throwing up, so I decided to take that last test from our closet. I showed it to him and he was beaming. He looked a little shocked because it was just that, a huge shock. He hugged me and was so excited to tell the kids. I was very apprehensive. I told him I wasn't sure the test really was a positive because of how the lines looked. Julio being the great guy that he is, wanting to reassure me, went out and bought another test but this time, he bought a digital one. He came home with it and I told him I wanted to wait a few days to take it but he wanted me to take it right away. I was just so sure I wasn't really pregnant, that I caught something up at camp, and I guess I was so afraid of seeing "Not Pregnant" and being heartbroken once more.
Julio went to work later that afternoon and I could not stop feeling all the regular symptoms. I started to get a little anxious and did not want to wait a few days. I messaged Julio that I was going to take one of the new ones. He said he loved me and waited for me to get back to him.
(I couldn't deny it anymore. I was pregnant)
I sent him that very image and he called a few minutes later. I was such a blubbering mess, I don't know if he even understood me! I was so happy but scared, so excited but nervous. I had just convinced myself that I was okay with the idea of never having another baby again was just the way it was going to be and then BAM! I called my OBGYN, and the earliest she could see me was the following week. We did the only thing we could do. We waited.
Julio wanted to tell the kids right away but something inside me was just not convinced. I was so afraid we would go to the doctor, they would tell us sometimes tests give false positives and they would either do their own test or a blood test and it would 100% be negative, and that was a big reason I didn't want to tell our kids until after we saw my doctor. During the wait, our kids could see and hear me rushing to the bathroom. They clearly knew I was sick and something was wrong with me. Leila was great about it. She helped me so much (and still does now) after seeing how sick I was. My kids are seriously great.
Waiting was bad but not because we were anxious but because I was so sick. There was still some doubt in my mind. I remembered how my mom went through menopause so young and I started looking up symptoms for early menopause and what do you know?! False positive pregnancy tests were common with women going through menopause. Not only that but the nausea and fatigue were symptoms also.
Yup... I'm not really pregnant. I am probably starting menopause. I knew it.
By that time, I had taken 2 more tests (digital) and they all came back positive. Julio kept reassuring me that I was in fact pregnant, it wasn't menopause, I didn't catch anything at the lake. I was still needing to be reassured by my doctor. Finally, it was time for our appointment.
We dropped our kids off at my in laws. The kids still didn't know. We told them I had to do something for my teeth and if they gave me something that made me drowsy, I needed Julio to drive me. They bought it. Suckers.
Right when we walked into the room to meet with the the doctor, there was already a bag full of goodies for pregnant women and even formula for a baby! I was so shocked, I almost felt insulted. ALMOST. I just kept thinking that there is a slight chance that I may not be and without knowing 100% sure that I was, it would be even more devastating to see all this baby stuff and then having to leave without it if they told me I wasn't pregnant.
Our doctor walked in after we chatted it up with the nurse. I told them how I had doubts and was terrified of getting my hopes up. They completely understood. According to when I last had my period, it was estimated that I was about 6 weeks along, so just starting my 2nd month. My OBGYN sent me downstairs for an official ultrasound. For me, this was the definite answer that I needed and I was finally going to get it.
(Isn't that heartbeat the most beautiful sound ever? I was completely overcome with emotion hearing it)
We waited a few days to tell our kids, mostly because of me. I am superstitious and since it took years for this happen, I didn't want to announce it too early on. Again, I was so incredibly sick, it was getting harder to keep it a secret. About 5 days later, we told the kids. Julio made a cute little video that included the ultrasound.
(Our cute kids clueless at first but then excited once we told them about a new sibling)
Julio designed and made a shirt for Jonathan. We planned to have Jonathan show my family a couple of shirts that were new and then he would wear this new shirt and would surprise them.
(He was SUPER EXCITED to show my family)
(My family had NO IDEA. My mom cried because she was one of the few who knew of all the things we had gone through)
Fun fact about the grandkids on my side of the family... they come in pairs. At least they have so far! Which has never been planned, it just happened that way.
1st- came the oldest, our nephew Adrian. Right before his 1st birthday is around the time I got pregnant. Leila was born 9 months later.
2nd- 7 years later is when I got pregnant with Jonathan. My brother and my ex sister in law Ericka had been together for about a decade but got pregnant around the same time Jonathan was born. Jonathan came January and our niece Zeisha was born that December.
3rd- Our niece Zilei was born this February. Our baby is due next February.
SEE? They always come in pairs and it is such a crazy thing that has never been planned. I guess this makes up for me never growing up with my cousins as much as I wanted to. My kids have that and I absolutely love it.
As a matter of fact, when my brother and his girlfriend Xela got pregnant last year, Julio told me "It's going to happen soon. I can tell. It always happens in pairs in this family." I knew what he was saying but it just made me so upset to think about that. It made me feel horrible to be perfectly honest because we had been trying so hard for years and nothing had happened. The timing of this is just crazy. I will talk more about this crazy timing in a bit.
Julio wasn't the only one that noticed this coincidence. My brother picked up on it almost immediately that the grandkids in this family always come in pairs. And so far, they have always been a boy and girl. Julio thinks this next one is a boy and so does my mom. Of course, they only think that because of this pattern but wouldn't it be crazy if it was?
Next, it was time to surprise Julio's mom with the news. Julio designed a onesie and put "Grandson/Granddaughter #17 February 2019" in Spanish and we were going to surprise his mom with it. We were going to be celebrating 3 birthdays that Sunday so we decided to give her a little gift bag and tell her that we found a perfect gift for her. She had no idea either.
(Lucky #17 to be added to the growing list of grand babies!)
Let's quickly discuss the craziness of this timing. I already explained about the grandkids always coming in pairs on my side. Here are several other things that just seem perfect;
* I was actually pregnant in Seattle and during camp with my church. If I would have been sick like I was the day after getting home from camp, THERE IS NO WAY I would have been able to do all the things I did. Those days were insane with how busy I was. I got sick the day after I got home from camp. Exactly the next day. It's crazy.
* When I got my job (I work at a Jr. High) last year, I didn't expect to fall in love with it so much. I told Julio if I could have my way, I would really prefer to get pregnant in the summer, that way I would get all the morning sickness out of the way before school started in September. If that doesn't tell you how much I love my job, then I don't know what does! Surprisingly, that is exactly what is happening now.
* At my church, we have these positions called "callings". My calling was the secretary of the program that focuses on Young Women in our church. I have had that calling for 3 years and absolutely loved it. I was released from that calling on July 15th and it came at a perfect time. It was before we told either of our families but I just really need the rest and needed to focus on this baby. I miss being part of the program so much but I was released at a perfect time.
* We made the last payment on our 2nd car this very month. That means we will be able to save a little extra than we have been. Perfect timing!
* Leila and Jonathan are 7 years apart. Jonathan and this baby will be 8 years apart. Not exactly a crazy coincidence but still.
Besides our immediate families, Julio only told a couple people from work, I told two of my close friends Jose and Kevin, and I told two women from my church. One of my friends from church, Cari was an amazing support. She had also gone through infertility. I actually told her I was going to be needing adoption info since we were having no success. She and her husband adopted their adorable son a few years back so I knew I could count on her for help. Besides my mom, she was one of the few people I told about our issues from the beginning and it was a little different with her because she understood how I felt. One conversation in particular has always stuck with me. I told Cari that I was told how I should just be grateful to at least have 2 kids, that there are women out there that have none. While that is very true, it did no one any good. It only hurt me and made me feel like I wasn't "allowed" to feel sad. Cari told me about a time they were closing in on their adoption and she started chatting with another lady that was there also. Cari asked the woman if it was their first baby and the woman said it was actually her 5th (or 6th). At first, Cari told me that made her angry. She was angry thinking of how much she struggled and how long it took her to finally be able to adopt and here was this lady, adopting yet another child. It all just felt unfair. That was when Cari told me that was when she realized that we are no one to decide how many kids someone is allowed to have and told me I was perfectly okay to feel sad over trying to have a third. That helped me so much. I felt a little better knowing someone was not going to roll their eyes at me and think I was stupid for being so sad over not being able to have another kid.
Listen, I am very blessed to have my two kiddos. I know this and it is the most rewarding and difficult thing I have ever experienced. I know there are women out there who have been through bigger trials than me, doing IVF for YEARS with no success. I know all of this. But this isn't a competition. I am not trying to outdo anyone, or try to have a depressing story to earn pity. I decided to share our experience for 2 reasons; to try and warn anyone who may be reading this about the Mirena Crash and because if this happened to me, I am certain it is happening to other women. I felt so alone and felt like I wasn't supposed to share this stuff because it wasn't that big of a deal. So, if you are going through this, I am here to listen and to try and help in any way I possibly can. I know how it feels and I am so incredibly sorry if you are dealing with infertility.
-- The Future --
Are you still here? Wow! I am babbling on and on so if you are still reading, THANK YOU.
I have been so incredibly sick these last few weeks but so incredibly happy over this pregnancy.
I still am afraid about early menopause. I have mentioned it to a few people and they chuckle when they hear me say I am afraid of it because of my age. Until I mention my mom's age when she went through menopause, then they see that it is a real fear.
One thing that is for certain about the future is I will never get an IUD ever again. I am actually terrified to get on any birth control because of what happened last time. I strongly feel that menopause is right around the corner, so I am excited to enjoy this pregnancy and meet this baby. I am done planning so meticulously, especially when it comes to our family. I have always been a planner and will continue to be, but I have to learn to quickly adapt to situations that are hard.
I have already told Julio that I feel like this is my last chance. I feel like this baby is such a little miracle and let's face the facts, I am not getting any younger and with my history, it doesn't seem likely I will have more kids. I have come to terms with it. I fully accept I will not have those 7 kids I dreamed about and that's okay. I just turned 34 years old and after years of trying, I am pregnant with baby #3. This little baby will be our tie breaker. Leila and Jonathan think it will be a girl. I keep thinking boy but the more I think that, "girl" keeps coming to mind. You already know what Julio thinks.
As corny as it sounds it's true, as long as this baby is healthy, we will be okay with a boy or girl. We can't wait to meet him/her.
I don’t even know where to begin. I wasn’t planning
on writing anything about this but this overwhelming feeling came over me while
I was sitting down during the presentation for the big reveal a few Saturdays ago (4/7/2018) and I just had to write about this
experience. First off, let me just say how grateful my family is to have
friendships like Josh and Roxana’s in our lives. We don’t live near each other and
hardly saw each other when we lived in the same state (thank goodness for
social media though) but we really are grateful to know these awesome humans.
This story really begins when Roxana reached out to me to see
if I knew any kids that had any disabilities. Her husband, Josh is a pretty
amazing photographer and he was working on a project that focused on kids that
had disabilities. I wasn’t able to help too much during that time with ideas
or sources. Roxana actually confided in me with what the project was about.
Josh was going to photograph kids with different disabilities and make them
look like The Justice League. I am familiar with Josh’s photography style so I
was really looking forward to it. PLUS! I am a huge geek when it comes to DC
Comics. I have loved superheroes for as long as I can remember.
What was really cool to me was the fact that Roxana trusted
me enough to tell me this super secret project. I asked her if it was cool if I
told my husband and she said that was fine. I know there were others out there
that knew about it but I was so happy to be involved even in the tiniest of
ways. I was completely blown away when the final results were revealed. The
photos went viral and the kids featured… they really are super heroes.
Around late November of last year, Roxana reached out once
more and asked me if I knew any kids that have been bullied. Nothing instantly
came to mind. I asked her around early December if I could ask on Facebook and
maybe people would reply. I got the go ahead and did it and was taken
completely by surprise by how many of my friends have been bullied themselves
or have kids that are or were bullied in the past. It completely broke my
heart. I knew it was a big problem but I guess putting faces to the problem is
what really did it for me. A lot of my friends that replied told me their kid’s
stories and I just could not believe these sweet kids have dealt with this kind
of stuff. A lot of these kids I have known for years and watched them grow up.
I couldn’t believe all the horrible things I was just learning about. Before I actually posted the status on my FB, Roxana again
confided in me what the bullying project was going to be about.
THE FREAKING AVENGERS!
Anyone who knows me knows that I am crazy about the Avengers
and with Infinity War coming out, I was super pumped for anything related to
them, especially the Hulk. I have been obsessed with Bruce Banner/Hulk since I
was a little girl. During those next few days, Roxana and I were in touch a lot
because I was trying to get information from the replies I got on FB. But
during that time, I was talking to my husband about the project (again, with
permission from Roxana) and we both came to a sad realization.
First, we remembered how our daughter Leila dealt with
something really sad when she started 7th grade. That was the year
she started seeing a therapist for depression and anxiety and started taking
medication. I remember she told us that a boy in class was listening to her
when she was talking to her friend about different issues. For some reason, the
boy felt like he needed to yell it out to the class, insult her and make fun of
her in front of everyone and call her names because of the therapy and
medication. Leila was upset and sad, but luckily she told us about it the very
same day it happened. That moment set off a string of events that have spread
out over these last few years. That very moment though, it has stuck with her
since.
But let me go back a years before that…
When Leila was 3 years old, she was sitting in one of those
plastic lawn chairs and got up on it, leaned the wrong way and fell. She fell
right into the corner of a wall in my mom’s living room and when she got up,
she was bleeding right above her left eye. I freaked out and my sister helped
me with taking her to the ER. Our car actually died on the way to the hospital. It was such a mess. I actually was holding Leila in my arms,
knocking on doors, begging for someone to please take me to the hospital. I
must have looked crazy with my kid bleeding in my arms, and my eyes bloodshot
from crying. This complete stranger answered her door and was kind enough to
take us to the ER. I never got her name but I will never EVER forget her and
her generosity.
Leila had to have stitches and has had a scar over her left
eye ever since. Cut to a few years later and she is now in elementary school…
Leila told us a bunch of kids started calling her Harry Potter because of the
scar. From what I know, she never cried over it. She did ask people to stop
repeatedly but it has been an ongoing thing she has been dealing with for
years. It does hurt her feelings and even when she tells people to stop, she is
often met with comments like, “Oh I’m just kidding, calm down!” or “You’re
making a big deal out of nothing!”
That was when the realization came up… Our daughter had been
dealing with bullying for years. We don’t know why we never addressed it as
that. We talked about each situation and advised on how to help or what to do.
But the word “bullied” was never really uttered.
My daughter is so much like me, but in other ways is
absolutely nothing like me and for that, I am grateful. This is what I mean and hopefully it will make more sense as
I explain. My husband and I are polar opposites when it comes to communication.
I can be loud, very expressive and vocal, and will definitely say something
when I feel something is wrong. I think that is a good quality to have, but at
times, it can be very bad. My husband on the other hand hates confrontation. He
is so much better at letting things go or simply moving on. Again, a great
quality to have, but at times can backfire. This is one of the ways I am very glad my daughter isn’t
like me. She is just like him. She does not make a big deal out of things and
is just all around sweet and doesn’t like to make others feel bad. My husband
and I pride ourselves in raising such a caring and loving daughter. But because
of this, it has lead to other bullying issues.
Leila does not like confrontation and would much rather ignore
dumb remarks, which is great! In this way, I am glad she does not fly off the
handle as I have been known to do (don’t worry, I have gotten much better). We
often tell her to not say anything and to ignore people who are rude. But when
it comes to constant insults, that is where the issue lies. Sometimes, she is
just too nice. I love that my daughter is nice. I love that we have raised such
a kind hearted young lady. Sometimes though, it can break my heart that there are
people out there that see that and take 100% advantage of it.
When we were discussing Josh’s Avengers project, we started to remember all
the years with the ridiculous Harry Potter comments, we were immediately
brought back to the time she was in 7th grade and that
boy taunted her about going to therapy. We did not realize that this had
actually been bullying. Just because there is not one repeated offender, it
does not make it any less hurtful. We started to piece things together. Every year that she
has been in junior high, there have been ongoing issues. Counting the comments about her scar, add the
specific hateful remarks from that first boy… we noticed her self-esteem dwindle.
Plus, that was when she started medication and going to therapy. So, as her
parents, we knew that this was going to be an uphill battle.
One random day, she told us she wanted to start taking
boxing lessons. We searched and searched but didn’t really find anything that
fit our schedule. It wasn’t until a co-worker and friend told me about AbsoluteMMA. We figured the closest thing Leila would like is Kickboxing. In fact, my
husband and I were so certain of it, we were already searching online for what
kind of gear we were going to buy her. At Absolute MMA, they offer a free week trial, so Leila took
every single class for one week to see what she liked best. She tried Judo,
Kickboxing, Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, Wrestling and Muay Thai. We were all surprised
when she said she liked Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu the most and that was the only
class she wanted to focus on. We signed her up and she has been with them
since. They have become such an amazing support system for her and our family.
This summer, she will be at Absolute for 3 years and they have been great. They
have not only helped her become physically strong (Seriously! Her choke holds
are NO JOKE!) but they have helped tremendously with her self-esteem.
To her professors at Absolute, Pedro and Rob, and everyone
who has helped her grow…
THANK YOU.
I don’t think they really know how much
they have helped our family. All I can really say is thank you.
(Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu competition!)
(She trained super hard for this one! No snacks for a whole month before competition)
(Leila earning a new stripe on her belt from Professor Rob!)
Absolute MMA let the kids involved in the project come train for free for a month. This was taken on one of the last days. Top from left, Drax (Jaron), Star Lord (Joshua), Maria Hill (Leila) Bottom from left Hawkeye (Miles) Dr. Strange (Jackson)
Absolute MMA has helped her evolve into a stronger person. She
is still growing and will continue to grow, of course. My husband and I do
firmly believe that this was a big stepping stone in what has helped her these
last few years. Besides the little hair styles, she has also been more open
about her interests and has even asked us if she could start singing lessons.
We are so happy she is exploring new things and taking on new interests. She wants to start taking guitar lessons, so if you have any info, shoot me a message! She
started taking singing lessons this past February and even tried out for choir
for the high school next year. That’s not the only recent thing either. She
participated in a very important assembly at her school not long ago. The
assembly focused on diversity, acceptance and resilience. How perfect! She
performed a bachata routine with a little group from an after school program.
(This is the bachata performance. Leila was hit with a case of the giggles throughout. Love this girl)
As much as BJJ has helped her with self-esteem, it did not
stop any future bullying. For all of us who have attended junior high, we know
how cruel some kids can be. This is no exception to my daughter’s junior high
experience. With this great lift in her self-esteem, Leila started
trying to do her hair in cute little different styles. Sadly, this was met with
hateful remarks from “popular” girls at her school. Girls started calling her
ugly and weird. All because she wanted to try something new with her hair. There
was one girl in particular who just taunted her repeatedly and it seemed that
every opportunity that presented itself, this girl would go out of her way to
insult Leila and try to make her feel bad. There is no real reason why; they
were never friends, they don’t even have mutual friends. It was just a classic
hateful bully with no agenda other than to try to bring others down.
The very few people that I have shared this with have all
said the same thing, “Leila should just beat her up!” A part of me agrees, but
a bigger more responsible part of me disagrees completely. While I agree that
my daughter is more than capable enough to do this, her heart is just too tender to
pick a fight with a legitimate stranger who she just happens to attend the same
school with. This all connects to before how I said how nice my daughter is.
Yes, she has been in BJJ for almost 3 years and definitely has the tools to
defend herself if something were to happen but I gotta tell you, I am glad she
is not taking advantage of that knowledge each time someone hurts her feelings
or makes her upset.
This particular girl had never gotten physical with Leila. I
think for me, as the mom, that is the biggest deciding factor about any
fighting. My husband and I have both told Leila to never hit anyone, especially
if they are just saying rude remarks. If it gets to the point of threatening or
something that is getting too out of hand (verbally, mentally, emotionally),
there are certain steps she needs to take.
First, talk to her vice principals
at school and let us know immediately of the situation. It SHOULD be fixed
after that.
If the problem continues, then us parents will go meet with whoever
was supposed to fix it.
If the problem continues or gets worse (physical), we
have told Leila to fight back. To defend herself no matter what.
We both told her on multiple occasions that if she were
to get suspended, we would take her out for ice cream and be more proud than
ever because she did what she had to do and took all the proper steps. Luckily,
for our family, no bully has tried to get physical with her and we really hope
it stays that way.
Sadly, there have been incidents where it didn’t involve
strangers. People that our daughter has called “friends” have treated her
badly. We do have serious conversations about this and how a friend should act.
When these so called friends have slapped her, tripped her, insulted her and
then brushed it off as a joke, it is so infuriating to think they see it as
“cute” or “funny”. Leila isn’t the only one dealing with this kind of stuff. It
really is very unfortunate. Leila doesn’t hang out with these people outside of school,
she knows better than that. It is kind of hard to avoid people when you attend
the same school though. Even though she knows how they can be mean, Leila
herself has said, “They’re teenagers, mom. That’s how they are.” She is
friendly with them, even with how they act. Like I said: tender heart.
When we started to talk about doing this Avengers project,
we knew Leila would be excited. Hello! A Josh Rossi photoshoot is always a
reason for excitement. We were 100% honest with her from the very beginning;
people are going to ask questions, your story will be out there in the open, a
lot of people are going to read about it. Believe me… we have heard it all already.
“This might cause her to be bullied even more!”
“She’s seriously complaining about people just saying a few
mean things?”
“She needs to just toughen up!”
“Why didn’t she just beat them up?”
It is so exhausting to hear “advice” from people who really
have no idea the things that our family has been through. Our daughter really
is a fierce warrior. The things she has dealt with personally, emotionally and
especially mentally are enough to bring anyone down. We have dealt with running away, suicide scares, self-harm, emotional
break downs, inpatient care and serious mental health issues. These teen years
are tough. My husband and I remember ours clearly. It isn’t a cake walk. We
often wish we could just snap our fingers and make all of her issues go away. I
think most parents do whenever their children are in pain, no matter their age.
We really discussed all kinds of possibilities, pros and
cons to participating in this project. I cannot stress it enough… we are
incredibly proud of her for deciding to participate in the Avengers project. Can you imagine? Sharing something super personal with the
world? Sure, for those of us who have social media, we post about our
day/moods/activities. This is different though. I know there are adults out
there that would not be okay sharing this kind of information for everyone to
know. For that very reason, Leila is one of the bravest people I know.
When she officially decided that she wanted to be a part of
the project, Roxana messaged me and asked me, “How does Leila feel about Maria
Hill?”
Ummm….. Nick Fury’s #1 agent??? WE LOVE HER!
I should also
state we had been watching all the MCU movies since the beginning of this year in preparation for Infinity War
so we knew Maria Hill was going to be coming up in a few of the movies and we were
PUMPED. We have been fans of Cobie Smulders (Maria Hill) for years! We have loved her as Robin in How I Met Your Mother and she
is perfect as Maria Hill.
Maria Hill is LEGEN...wait for it... DARY!
It is safe to say that Leila jumped right on board with
portraying Maria Hill. She’s tough, she can take care of herself and she is
loyal. Perfect. While waiting for the Avengers to assemble, the excitement for the upcoming photo shoot started to set in.
(Leila getting her hair and make up done by the wonderful Eve Keener on the day of the shoot)
(Practicing different poses with Josh)
(Josh doing photography and Leila's dad, doing video)
(Leila with the wonderful Roxana. We love you, Roxana!)
(The Avengers from the 2nd photo shoot. Thank you so much to the Rossi's. The wonderful lady right next to Leila is the one and only Julie Whiteley. She made all the kids costumes. It took her over 3 months! Thank you, Julie!)
Leila was dealing with all of the issues I listed well after
the Harry Potter thing started. But ridiculing her over going to therapy and
taking medication while she was already feeling down, does no one any good.
EVER. This is why we are glad she constantly chooses kindness.
Don’t get us wrong, we do deal with attitude issues as well. She is a teen girl
after all! We deal with the boy drama, not wanting to do homework, and of
course, how much she can be on her phone. Overall, she is a great kid who I am
proud to say I look up to.
(Our Maria Hill. We love this girl so much)
If you or anyone you know that may reading is has felt alone
or even suicidal, please know this… you are loved and you matter. I know what
that feels like and it is such a dark place and it’s even darker when you are
trying to pull a loved one out of it, but please don’t lose hope. Please ask
for help. Help is there. Please don't give up. We know the world can sometimes be an ugly place, but it can also be so beautiful and worthwhile.
I have been so incredibly uplifted and touched by all the
kids that have shared their stories with the world. They are so brave and I
have come to love them all. They will always a very special place in my heart.
(Waiting for the big reveal on 4/7/18 hosted by SendOutCards!)
(SendOutCards surprised the kids with their photo framed while they were on stage!)
(Leila with her grandparents after the reveal. They had no idea about the photo shoot. We kept it a very good secret for months!)
The biggest take away we would want anyone that may read Leila's
story is this:
Be kind. Be kind to everyone.
You really don’t know what people may be dealing with and you don’t know if an insult that may seem innocent
could really push someone over the edge. Being friendly and nice to everyone is
free and you will always be the better person because of it. This is a lesson I
am trying to learn from Leila daily and her kindness and bravery really makes
me proud to call her my daughter.
(Happy family! These are my favorite humans in the whole wide world)
(This is the video that was shown at the reveal. All of us parents shed tears and clapped like crazy. Huge thank you again to the tremendous duo that is Josh and Roxana Rossi. Thank you for everything)
(Final Result. It is safe to say we were all blown away by Josh's talent. It has been an honor meeting and getting to know these brave Avengers)
If you want to see the full project and learn more about these awesome kids, go to Josh's page HERE.
Thank you to my mom for all the late night talks when Leila was at her lowest and we were just really struggling with what to do. Thank you to my brother and sister for letting me vent and for being understanding and loving Leila no matter what. Even though they weren't going through something similar, they still offered all they could with what little they personally knew. Thank you to my in laws for visiting her the instant she got home from her last hospital stay and never treating her any different. Thank you to Leila's few good friends who have stuck with her throughout the years, no matter what. You guys are amazing! Thank you to our friends in our ward for always uplifting her spirit. Thank you to my husband for being my rock through the darkest of times and for being the absolute best dad a girl could ever ask for. Most of all, thank you to Leila for helping me grow and helping me understand more about acceptance and tolerance. Last but not least, thank you to you! If you read this until the end, you the real MVP! Thank you for allowing me to share my Leila's story.
