Dear (Friend)
I know it must be weird seeing something from me, but I was thinking about you
and felt compelled to write you this. I wish I knew why you didn’t want to talk
to me anymore, but I just really hope you read this all the way through.
Okay, here I go…
You were one of my closest friends and I find myself thinking
about little things that we’ve been through every now and then. You were the
first boy to ask me to be his girlfriend. You were the first boy to ever get me
flowers. I actually still have that card you gave me from Valentine’s Day in 7th
grade. I was cleaning up a bunch of stuff a while back and found it. I read it
and had completely forgotten that you had signed it “Dark Angel”. Oh my gosh, do
you remember that? All the freakin nicknames we used to make up for ourselves in
7th grade. Haha what were we thinking?
I still remember being home one day and
Andy called my house and had asked me out for you for the first time when we
were in 5th grade. I was so shocked cause no one had ever asked me out. I was so
confused and instantly said no. But I will admit that it had me smiling the rest
of the week.
The main thing I remember and will always remember about you, is
the fact that you were the first person to ever make me feel pretty. It might
not sound like a lot, but it was (and is) a big deal to me. Especially in junior
high. You know first hand what a huge tomboy I was, and for some reason I was
part of the group with all the popular, pretty girls. And even though all the
girls I hung out with tried to constantly give me make overs and get me to look
“better” and more like them, you still thought I was pretty.
From 5th grade all
the way into high school, we both confided in each other about our most recent
crushes. I would listen to you, and you would listen to me on our many phone
calls. But when it came down to it, you would assure me that no matter how many
girls you dated, or liked, that I was “the one”. I used to think (and still do
in all honesty) that you were completely crazy! Me?? There must have been
something wrong with your brain, that much was certain. I knew what I was and
wasn’t, and I definitely wasn’t one of the pretty girls.
I still remember in 7th
grade when Sharlet called me and told me you wrote your English class poem about
me. I remember she wrote it down after getting it from you over the phone, and
gave it to me. I don’t remember everything it said but I remember how it felt
knowing someone out there wrote a poem about me. I don’t think I ever thanked
you for that, so thank you. That was probably one of the sweetest things anyone
has EVER done for me and we were only 13! How sweet is that. I can’t wait to
tell my daughter about these stories. She’s 10 now, so she’s the same age as
when we met and when I transferred to Jim Bridger and met you.
Besides all the
nice memories, there are 2 things that I deeply regret. The 1st thing is this… I
forgot how old we were, but I’m pretty sure we were in junior high. You called
me and told me you were getting baptized. I know that at that time in my life, I
really had no good knowledge of what that meant. In that time in my life, all I
really knew was that; in my family being Mormon was a no-no. a And when you
invited me to attend, I was afraid my mom would get mad if I went and blah blah
blah.
You actually begged me to go. You kept saying please and I repeatedly said
no. I do remember asking you “Why?” once, and that was when you told me that you
were told to invite people who mean a lot to you, and that it would mean
everything to you if I was there. And I just finally said “I can’t”. In the end,
I didn’t end up going, and believe me, I felt like a total bitch for not going.
Even in that time when I didn’t understand the importance of what you were
doing, I still felt really bad.
Being baptized myself when I was 24, I thought
about you a lot during that time. Even if you’re not active now (or if you are,
I don’t really know), I just want to tell you sorry. It happened many years ago,
but I will always regret not going.
The 2nd thing I regret is the following…
After more than 7 years of asking me to be your girlfriend, I finally said yes.
I truly wish I hadn’t because it changed EVERYTHING. We were only in high school
but even then, we both knew we were a sucky couple. I don’t even remember how
long we went out for but I know it wasn’t long before we both realized it wasn’t
going good. I wish we never went out because you stopped talking to me and you
stopped being my friend. Even after high school, I still thought about our
friendship and us and wished it had never changed. It literally changed
everything. I used to value our friendship so much and now I don’t have that
anymore. It really sucks.
I’m okay now, actually more than okay. I’m very happy
with my life and how things have been going for me. I have two beautiful,
awesome kids who mean the world to me. But sadly, after high school, I went
through some horrible relationships, and I was not in a very good place for
quite some time. I don’t know if you remember but I have always had issues with
my self-esteem. That kind of plays into not believing you all those years when
you would tell me how you felt. But after many years, I finally met my amazing
husband and he has been incredible to me. He is the second person to ever make
me feel pretty, and even beautiful. He knows all about you and is very
supportive about me writing you this whole thing.
When we were in junior high, I
always thought of how we’d be like as adults. You were one of my best friends,
and I always pictured us as close friends when we were older too. I thought once
we were “sophisticated” and old enough to drive without a curfew, that we’d be
the kind of friends that would meet up at least once a month for lunch just to
catch up and have a break from our hectic lives. I pictured both of us married
and we’d have play dates with our kids and as they got older, they would know
all about us and how close we always were. And of course, our spouses would be
awesome and get along great too.
I really did picture all of this, and if you
knew me as well as I thought you did, then you must know that I am telling the
truth.
But now, we don’t even talk. I often wish we were still friends cause I
used to love talking to you. It feels so unfair because it feels like you hate
me and I have no idea what I did to make you not want anything to do with me.
You have no idea how happy I was when you sent me that friend request a while
back. I even told my husband and he was happy for me cause he knows how much you
meant to me. Then weeks later, you popped into my mind and I wanted to see what
you were up to, then I saw that we were no longer “friends”. It really hurt me
since I felt like we could actually start talking again, but it was clear that
that wasn’t going to happen, and I just had to move on.
I just hope you’re doing
well and all this is to basically tell you thank you.
I sincerely mean it.
Thank
you for all those years of being my friend, thank you for caring for me the way
you did.
Thank you for being the first boy to call me beautiful when I felt
anything but that, but most of all, above everything else, thank you for being
the first person to ever make me feel worthwhile, important, and wanted.
It may
have happened almost 2 decades ago, but you did make a difference in my life.
Thank you, (Friend).
Marilei
