I am actually pregnant.
This is not a drill. Did you hear me? Sound the alarms! I am actually pregnant!!
The following is the series of events that lead up to this wonderful moment in our lives. My hope is that anyone struggling finds this and feels a little less alone, that they will know they are not broken because of the struggle with infertility and will reach out to people for love and support. I didn't do a lot of that and I know first hand how confusing and painful it can be. Hopefully this can help someone out.
-- The Beginning--
When Julio and I first got married, we were living with my mom. I have wanted 7 kids for as long as I can remember, and there are 7 kids in his family and he often told me how much he wanted a big family too. By the time we were married in 2009, I had had my IUD in for about 6 years (I had the 10 year one, the copper). Even though we lived with my mom, we wanted to try and have more kids soon after. We went to Planned Parenthood on January 1, 2010 and decided that year would be the year we would have another baby. It was very exciting. My body hadn't carried another human for almost 7 years so I was a little nervous but excited to extend our family.
We thought it would happen right away but were warned that after having an IUD for so many years, it may take a little longer even if I was ovulating regularly. It didn't happen right away. I was miserable thinking I was a failure. I was absolutely heartbroken that I wasn't getting pregnant right away. It finally happened 4 months later in April. We didn't tell anyone that we were trying for those short 4 months. We didn't tell any friends or family that I took out my IUD either. At that same time, I had a few friends who had been dealing with infertility for YEARS so I did not feel it was right to be complaining about 4 short months. I will admit though, during those 4 months, I felt so alone and hopeless and I just kept thinking something was seriously wrong with me. I still didn't say anything to anyone because I constantly thought if I said anything, it would be met with an eye roll and some kind of "you're complaining about 4 short months??" comment. So I stayed quiet about it. Even though it happened in less than half a year, it dragged on for those 4 months and I was miserable each time every pregnancy test came out negative. I am thankful it wasn't longer but I am more thankful I was able to have a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby.
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| (Here is our Jonathan at his 4 month ultrasound growing in my belly in 2010) |
Jonathan was born in January 2011. A perfect little boy. My first son.
Fun little fact: I have been obsessed with the name Jonathan for YEARS. It is a well known fact amongst my immediate family that I was going to name my first son Jonathan. When Julio and I got married, I didn't really think much of it but I am sooo glad he agreed to it since I had that specific name picked for many, many years.
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(Our oldest Leila meeting her baby brother, Jonathan for the first time)
Right after having Jonathan, I knew I wanted to use the IUD again for birth control. When I first did the copper IUD, I had no weight issues, my period stayed the same, there was no issues with cramping and best of all, I had no complications or weird reactions. I didn't really want to use the 10 year one again because like I said, we did want more kids. I told my doctor and she recommended the Mirena IUD. It lasts up to 5 years and you can take it out at any time between then. The procedure to put it in was the same so I knew what to expect.
We were good to go!
When Jonathan was born, we were still living with my mom. That time was extremely hard financially. I had quit my job to stay home with Jonathan. It was the best! I loved being home with him every day and even though we did struggle, I wouldn't change anything about that time. When Jonathan was 6 months old, we decided a better move financially for us as a family would be to move in with Julio's parents. We decided we would live with them for about 6 months, no more than a year, while we were able to save up some money and finally get our own place. We had this nice little plan. Once we had our own place, it would be a perfect time to try and have another baby.
Boy... how much things can change in a short few months.
Julio got laid off. So our 6 months stretched to more than a year. We were both going to school at this time and while we were trying to get ahead and become successful, it was very draining. The idea of having another baby quickly was put on the shelf because it would have definitely added a few more years of living in my in-laws basement. We were already living there for a little over a year! We were supposed to be out by now.
Julio's paid internship ended after he graduated. He quickly found a job but sadly, it did not turn into anything permanent. It was just struggle after struggle and we couldn't seem to get ahead. Our nice little plan to live there for no more than a year turned into 3 1/2 years. It went by so fast and as much as we wanted our own place, our credit was in the trash and we were still trying to save as much as possible.
-- The Middle (a.k.a. Now) --
When we were finally able to start looking for a home for our little family, things were going great. I had a great paying job, Julio had finally become a permanent employee at his current job instead of "on call" and we were saving money and paying off debt. We decided to wait until we were living on our own to finally start trying for baby #3.
We finally had our very own home in January 2015. Jonathan was going to be starting school that coming fall and since we had had those dreadful 4 months of trying when we first tried to conceive, we figured it might take a few months again. So, we might as well start soon!
I took out my Mirena IUD a few days before Valentine's Day and things drastically changed.
I cannot stress this enough...
I will never, never in my entire life EVER get an IUD ever again. I had been recommending them to everyone and talked about how convenient they are. But nope... never again.
A few days after I was IUD free, I woke up and felt like a completely different person. I had no energy to do anything. I figured I didn't get a good night's sleep. I felt odd but could not pinpoint the problem. Then the crying started. I would get extremely depressed and would cry over everything. There were days that I was not even able to get out of bed.
IT WAS HORRIBLE.
I had no idea what was going on. I finally told Julio, "I think something is seriously wrong with me."
When I say I had no energy, I don't mean when you're sore from moving so much, or how you feel after having a crazy productive and busy day. I mean I had no energy to even go to the bathroom. My husband had to walk me to the door, close it for me and it would take me MINUTES to walk from our bathroom door to the toilet. Our bathroom is not big whatsoever.
Since there was nothing physically wrong with me, Julio didn't really think too much of it. We both actually thought I may be getting a little sad of the thought of it taking a long time again to try and get pregnant like last time. I kept telling him and he was great and encouraging and tried his best to help me but I didn't even know what I needed, so how could he help me exactly?
I told him I felt stupid and worthless. I just wanted to die. I guaranteed him I wouldn't hurt myself because even though I felt this way, it scared me more than anything. I didn't have any plans to hurt myself or anyone else. I was so confused on why I felt like this. Nothing bad had happened so I had no idea where this was coming from. The good and lucky thing about me was that I was fully aware that this was not normal and I needed some kind of help. I told him I wasn't able to stop feeling like this no matter how much I tried. I really did try and "fix" my mood daily but there were days that I was just a zombie and totally useless to anything and anyone around me. On top of that, I had no idea what was wrong with me. I only ever told one other person, my mom. She was scared for my kids and rightfully so but I told her it was nothing like that. I had no idea what was happening to me but it was really starting to scare me.
Suddenly, a few weeks passed and Julio told me he knew what it was. He had been researching stuff online and found out about this thing called "The Mirena Crash". We read all these articles together and everything I was reading felt like it was written just for me in that particular time.
To sum it up, this Mirena Crash happens when the IUD gets taken out and your hormones get all out of whack. Some women experience it for only a few days. Others like myself, can experience the crash for months. It was the absolute worst and I will never again recommend an IUD to anyone else ever again. Not because they don't work, but because if I had known this was a possibility that this MIGHT happen to me, I would not have risked it.
If you have an IUD or if you are thinking of getting one, please PLEASE research about the Mirena Crash. It's real, I lived it and it is an absolute hell. I know just because it happened to me, doesn't mean it will happen to everyone else. But why risk it? Please research it before you decide to use one.
There are two things you have to know about me and my body;
First, my immune system sucks. It doesn't matter how much I take care of myself or what vitamins I take. If someone in my family gets a cold, I get the flu.
Second, things usually have the opposite effect on me. Coffee puts me to sleep, energy drinks do too. I have no idea if this is a condition or just me but I have been this way for as long as I can remember. This is why I am always weary about trying anything new.
The Mirena Crash came, conquered and then left as if nothing had happened. Julio and I were more than glad once I felt like myself again. Those were some horrible, horrible months. Once it was gone, it was like turning on a light switch. I was myself again. Hopeful, cheerful, finally excited to start trying for baby #3.
We expected a few months with no success since that was what happened the previous time. Four months came and went. Then it was suddenly a year later and still no baby. When that first year hit, we decided to make an appointment with my OBGYN. She was great and very helpful. She told us that there is no way to tell how long it could take and a year wasn't something that was totally unheard of after taking out an IUD. We were sad but not ready to give up.
The start of the second year was very difficult for me, emotionally. I felt absolutely broken. I was so confused on why this was happening to me. I kept thinking I was a failure, not woman enough to be able to do the one thing my body is supposed to be able to do. It was very hard. Julio was amazing during that time. He hugged me each time I cried. He reassured me after every negative pregnancy test.
If you are still reading this and don't want to know about TMI (as if what IUD I had isn't already too informative), then it is about to get personal af.
So, if you are willing, keep reading it.
FULL DISCLOSURE, lots of info up ahead some might consider TMI.
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Ready to keep reading?
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Are you sure?
Okay, here we go.
At the beginning of the second year is when we really started getting a little more serious other than just trying the good ol' fashioned way.
This was when my OBGYN recommended to start doing inseminations. Before we could start on that though, she recommended a procedure called HSG (Hysterosalpingography). I had never heard of it but we researched it and agreed to do it.
(Dye is put through the fallopian tubes to make sure there is no blockage)
I was positive they would find something that was blocking the way and that we would finally have the reason why we weren't getting pregnant. I was scheduled to do the HSG in January of 2017 and I was terrified since this was the first time I was having an actual procedure done to try and see about any serious issues but I was more than willing to get answers.
Two words describe my experience with HSG: NEVER AGAIN!!!
It was the absolute worst pain I have ever experienced. The worst part (besides the pain) was that Julio wasn't allowed to go in with me. There were two technicians who I had never seen before that did the dye and were all up in my area. They were professional and even nice with trying to make conversation to ease my nerves. There was a nurse there who held my hand and wiped my tears because I was crying so much over the pain. I wish I could remember her name. She kept telling me it was okay and that it was almost over. It was so frustrating because the two techs kept telling me to relax and not be tense. As ANY WOMAN who has had a pap smear knows, it isn't exactly the easiest thing to not tense up when someone is all up in there. This was even more difficult because it was just about the worst pain I had ever felt in my entire life, and it was constant. I was groaning, trying to hold back from screaming, I was biting my hand, and that sweet nurse just wiped away my sweat and tears. It was horrible. I hated it. There were 3 other people in the room with me but I had never felt so alone. I never want to go through that again.
The only positive thing from that procedure was that we found out that there was no blockage. My fallopian tubes were great and there was no reason to explain why I wasn't getting pregnant. We decided to start trying with inseminations a few weeks later.
This was when I started taking Clomid. For those that don't know, Clomid is a little pill to help start ovulation. A few months before is when I started getting my blood drawn to check if I was ovulating regularly. When it was showing that I was ovulating, I had to go in to see my OBGYN within a 2 day period and this is when we did the beginning of the inseminations.
It was a little hard to accept that my husband and I had to go this route to try and have another baby. We did this for months. The Clomid really messed with my hormones. My OBGYN warned me from the get go about my hormones going a little crazy but also said it sometimes didn't affect women in a major way. Julio and I knew from the beginning that there may be a good chance it would affect me in a major way knowing how my body is, but I was willing to try it.
It was a very emotional rollercoaster but at least I knew the reason behind it from the start. I wasn't sitting there wondering why I was feeling worthless or depressed all of a sudden. It was a little easier to get through than when I was going through The Mirena Crash.
After months of getting poked for blood, peeing on an endless amount of ovulation tests, the roller coaster with my hormones after taking the Clomid and being inseminated with my husband's swimmers, my emotional and mental health was taking such a hit, we decided to take a step back. We met with my OBGYN again and she said a lot of couples have success after taking Clomid for as many months as we did. We had a little bit of hope once we heard that.
Right after the last time we did an insemination, my OBGYN also recommended a study that was being done at the University of Utah called FAZST. FAZST is a medical trial to determine if Zinc and Folic Acid improves chances in conceiving. We decided to give that a try. It was simple and the people who helped us get started were great. I got a free FitBit for being in the study so that was a nice little gift. The FitBit was to help me keep track of my health and how much I worked out. This study was mostly for Julio though. He had to take pills (Zinc and Folic Acid) and we were to keep trying regularly and if we got pregnant, then yay! FAZST was 6 months long but sadly, still no baby at the end of the study (January 2018).
Around the same time we started FAZST, we decided to start looking into IVF. This was July of 2017 and it changed so much of how well I knew my body. I didn't really know how or what to prepare for an IVF consultation. Julio and I just went in with the intention of finding out how much it may cost and when we could start if it was something affordable. We knew from stories and reading online how expensive it can get, so we just wanted to get an idea so we could possibly start preparing for it in the near months.
There were so many questions about infertility and family history that I never really thought to try and find out before the appointment. One thing I mentioned that I felt would be important was my age when I started my period. I was 8 years old, didn't even know what periods were yet. I still remember when I woke up, saw blood and ran to my mom thinking I was dying! Then she had the period talk with me and she also told me she started her period when she was really young too. I mentioned that same thing to the IVF doctor and he started asking about the history of the women in my family. I was pretty clueless. Luckily, my mom had access to her phone at the same time that afternoon during our appointment so I started messaging her. What I learned blew my mind.
Not only did my mom start her period at a super young age like me, but she went through menopause when she was only 28 years old. That was enough to send me into a worried frenzy. I was about to turn 33 in a couple of weeks and talking to this specialist had me convinced I would be starting menopause soon. We talked about the possibility of me having endometriosis, polycystic ovary syndrome and going through menopause. The fact of how much it all would cost suddenly didn't seem important at all anymore. I was so convinced I would never have kids again.
We met once more with the IVF specialist in August 2017 to do some blood work and told them we would be coming back in a few months once we had figured out the financial aspects of it. We never went back. Not because we didn't want to but simply because we could not afford it.
It was the beginning of yet another year and I started to get it in my head that a baby was just not meant to be. It was January of 2018 and we finished with the FAZST study and we were so tired. Mostly me. I had put my body through so much, not only physically but emotionally and mentally. I was just beat. I was so exhausted. These last few years were just so draining.
In April 2018, I had a regular check up with my OBGYN. After going over the regular stuff, we informed her that we did see the IVF specialist but it just wasn't possible right now and my doctor was great; sympathetic and understanding. This was the first time she told us what we were dealing with: "unexplained infertility". It just happens. There is no way to tell where it stems from, and worst of all, there is no way to tell if or when it might end. That's what I hated the most, the NOT knowing. If I had known for a fact that I will never have kids ever again, that my uterus is too damaged, at least I would know for sure. Of course, it would break my heart but at least I would know. But these last few years have just given me a sense of what seemed like false hope.
It was a few weeks later that Leila was starting to help out in fundraising for a project she and other kids were involved in to raise money to go to Seattle. I helped organize a few things to try and raise money and then suddenly, it hit me.
WHY DON'T WE JUST FUNDRAISE FOR IVF???
We had been really trying to raise funds to help out the kids and I couldn't help but think "Why can't we just do the same for IVF?" But I instantly thought raising enough money for the IVF treatment would take too long and I wasn't getting any younger. I brought up an idea to Julio and I was just so positive it would work out. I told him we should just take out a loan for the treatment and we could fundraise to earn the money back to pay for it. Even though he didn't shoot the idea down right away, I know my husband and he was not thrilled about the idea about taking out any loan and getting more debt. I wasn't in love with the idea either but I was so desperate to try and do the IVF treatment. Nothing else seemed to be working and even though the IVF specialist told us it may not work AT ALL because of my history, I really wanted to try it.
We both decided to think about it and come to a conclusion at a later time. We took weeks to think about it and I have no idea what it was, but I told Julio to not worry about it anymore. I had to face the fact that I was not going to have any more kids. We had tried everything we could possibly afford, and even with IVF not being a guarantee, I didn't want to put my body through hell again.
The months, weeks and days leading up to us leaving to Seattle, I was secure (still sad) about our family staying a family of 4 for the rest of our lives. I know our 2 kids would grow up, eventually get married, have their own families and our family would grow. I just wanted my ideal 7 kids so badly. It was very hard to realize for myself it was just never going to happen. Besides, we were just too busy. Our house is too small for another baby. It all added up and I tried to look for any reason to make myself think this was the way it was supposed to be and I just had to come to terms with it.
Suddenly, Seattle was among us in late June. Seattle was a blast! Our daughter got to meet actors from the Avengers Infinity War movie and we got to sightsee a place neither of us had ever been to before. It was so much fun and it felt like a very much needed getaway from the stress and the depression that was looming over me because of infertility. We were so busy during those weeks but it was great. Immediately after Seattle, my daughter and I had to leave to go camping with our church. Camping was also great but kicked my butt. I did some things that surprised even me! I rock climbed a wall, I jumped into a FREEZING lake from a zip line which was terrifying but worth it in the end. On the second to the last day of camp, we went on a hike. If you don't know me at all, then let me tell you now that I am not outdoorsy at all and will avoid hikes if possible. I wanted to be a team player and did it but that hike.... it just about killed me! My legs were hating me at the end. The next morning was Friday and we were packing, getting ready to leave back home. I was excited to see my boys again. I missed them so much.
Leila and I got home and wanted to shower right away. I took a super long unexpected nap and was pretty much useless after putting our things away. We went out for ice cream in the evening and headed home. The next day, I felt like absolute garbage but I was positive it was because of being in the sun for so long. I asked the other ladies that were camping with us and they were right there along with me. We all felt like we were dragging our feet, super exhausted and just BEAT. Ah, I'm not the only one then so I wasn't too worried. I started to get a little suspicious when it was almost a week later and I had not started to feel better at all. Some of the other ladies were the same but told me they did feel better.
I HAVE HEAT STROKE! HEAT EXHAUSTION! I CAUGHT SOMETHING FROM THE LAKE!
I knew it. There was no other explanation as to why I was feeling so crummy. I suddenly realized... Hmm, I was supposed to start my period when I was up at the camp. I even took the necessary things up there ready for when I started... but nope. No period. I didn't want to get too excited or even start to get my hopes up but that's when the vomiting started. I knew this feeling a little too well. I had only felt it twice before and both times were during my pregnancies. But like I said, I didn't want to get too ahead of myself and assume anything and be all vocal about it. I decided to take one of our leftover pregnancy tests from the times we were keeping track of ovulating and doing the blood tests. I checked the box and there was only one left. I didn't tell Julio anything and just did it by myself. I waited anxiously after peeing on that dreadful stick. I was expecting a very obvious negative just like I had been seeing for the last few years. Not this time.
(This was the first test. Is it just me or is it not TOO clear?)
Do you see how the line on the right is slightly less bright? I just wasn't entirely convinced this was a definite positive. I decided to make an appointment with my OBGYN and get a definite answer and then I could do something cute to surprise Julio once it was confirmed. I have always wanted to do that.
But then, I realized... what if I am not? And Julio has no idea and I go to the doctor and they confirm that I am definitely not pregnant. I will have to go through that alone. He was in the living room with the kids and I called him over. I told him how I had not stopped feeling queasy and actually started throwing up, so I decided to take that last test from our closet. I showed it to him and he was beaming. He looked a little shocked because it was just that, a huge shock. He hugged me and was so excited to tell the kids. I was very apprehensive. I told him I wasn't sure the test really was a positive because of how the lines looked. Julio being the great guy that he is, wanting to reassure me, went out and bought another test but this time, he bought a digital one. He came home with it and I told him I wanted to wait a few days to take it but he wanted me to take it right away. I was just so sure I wasn't really pregnant, that I caught something up at camp, and I guess I was so afraid of seeing "Not Pregnant" and being heartbroken once more.
Julio went to work later that afternoon and I could not stop feeling all the regular symptoms. I started to get a little anxious and did not want to wait a few days. I messaged Julio that I was going to take one of the new ones. He said he loved me and waited for me to get back to him.
(I couldn't deny it anymore. I was pregnant)
I sent him that very image and he called a few minutes later. I was such a blubbering mess, I don't know if he even understood me! I was so happy but scared, so excited but nervous. I had just convinced myself that I was okay with the idea of never having another baby again was just the way it was going to be and then BAM! I called my OBGYN, and the earliest she could see me was the following week. We did the only thing we could do. We waited.
Julio wanted to tell the kids right away but something inside me was just not convinced. I was so afraid we would go to the doctor, they would tell us sometimes tests give false positives and they would either do their own test or a blood test and it would 100% be negative, and that was a big reason I didn't want to tell our kids until after we saw my doctor. During the wait, our kids could see and hear me rushing to the bathroom. They clearly knew I was sick and something was wrong with me. Leila was great about it. She helped me so much (and still does now) after seeing how sick I was. My kids are seriously great.
Waiting was bad but not because we were anxious but because I was so sick. There was still some doubt in my mind. I remembered how my mom went through menopause so young and I started looking up symptoms for early menopause and what do you know?! False positive pregnancy tests were common with women going through menopause. Not only that but the nausea and fatigue were symptoms also.
Yup... I'm not really pregnant. I am probably starting menopause. I knew it.
By that time, I had taken 2 more tests (digital) and they all came back positive. Julio kept reassuring me that I was in fact pregnant, it wasn't menopause, I didn't catch anything at the lake. I was still needing to be reassured by my doctor. Finally, it was time for our appointment.
We dropped our kids off at my in laws. The kids still didn't know. We told them I had to do something for my teeth and if they gave me something that made me drowsy, I needed Julio to drive me. They bought it. Suckers.
Right when we walked into the room to meet with the the doctor, there was already a bag full of goodies for pregnant women and even formula for a baby! I was so shocked, I almost felt insulted. ALMOST. I just kept thinking that there is a slight chance that I may not be and without knowing 100% sure that I was, it would be even more devastating to see all this baby stuff and then having to leave without it if they told me I wasn't pregnant.
Our doctor walked in after we chatted it up with the nurse. I told them how I had doubts and was terrified of getting my hopes up. They completely understood. According to when I last had my period, it was estimated that I was about 6 weeks along, so just starting my 2nd month. My OBGYN sent me downstairs for an official ultrasound. For me, this was the definite answer that I needed and I was finally going to get it.
(Isn't that heartbeat the most beautiful sound ever? I was completely overcome with emotion hearing it)
We waited a few days to tell our kids, mostly because of me. I am superstitious and since it took years for this happen, I didn't want to announce it too early on. Again, I was so incredibly sick, it was getting harder to keep it a secret. About 5 days later, we told the kids. Julio made a cute little video that included the ultrasound.
Julio designed and made a shirt for Jonathan. We planned to have Jonathan show my family a couple of shirts that were new and then he would wear this new shirt and would surprise them.
(He was SUPER EXCITED to show my family)
(My family had NO IDEA. My mom cried because she was one of the few who knew of all the things we had gone through)
Fun fact about the grandkids on my side of the family... they come in pairs. At least they have so far! Which has never been planned, it just happened that way.
1st- came the oldest, our nephew Adrian. Right before his 1st birthday is around the time I got pregnant. Leila was born 9 months later.
2nd- 7 years later is when I got pregnant with Jonathan. My brother and my ex sister in law Ericka had been together for about a decade but got pregnant around the same time Jonathan was born. Jonathan came January and our niece Zeisha was born that December.
3rd- Our niece Zilei was born this February. Our baby is due next February.
SEE? They always come in pairs and it is such a crazy thing that has never been planned. I guess this makes up for me never growing up with my cousins as much as I wanted to. My kids have that and I absolutely love it.
As a matter of fact, when my brother and his girlfriend Xela got pregnant last year, Julio told me "It's going to happen soon. I can tell. It always happens in pairs in this family." I knew what he was saying but it just made me so upset to think about that. It made me feel horrible to be perfectly honest because we had been trying so hard for years and nothing had happened. The timing of this is just crazy. I will talk more about this crazy timing in a bit.
Julio wasn't the only one that noticed this coincidence. My brother picked up on it almost immediately that the grandkids in this family always come in pairs. And so far, they have always been a boy and girl. Julio thinks this next one is a boy and so does my mom. Of course, they only think that because of this pattern but wouldn't it be crazy if it was?
Next, it was time to surprise Julio's mom with the news. Julio designed a onesie and put "Grandson/Granddaughter #17 February 2019" in Spanish and we were going to surprise his mom with it. We were going to be celebrating 3 birthdays that Sunday so we decided to give her a little gift bag and tell her that we found a perfect gift for her. She had no idea either.
(Lucky #17 to be added to the growing list of grand babies!)
Let's quickly discuss the craziness of this timing. I already explained about the grandkids always coming in pairs on my side. Here are several other things that just seem perfect;
* I was actually pregnant in Seattle and during camp with my church. If I would have been sick like I was the day after getting home from camp, THERE IS NO WAY I would have been able to do all the things I did. Those days were insane with how busy I was. I got sick the day after I got home from camp. Exactly the next day. It's crazy.
* When I got my job (I work at a Jr. High) last year, I didn't expect to fall in love with it so much. I told Julio if I could have my way, I would really prefer to get pregnant in the summer, that way I would get all the morning sickness out of the way before school started in September. If that doesn't tell you how much I love my job, then I don't know what does! Surprisingly, that is exactly what is happening now.
* At my church, we have these positions called "callings". My calling was the secretary of the program that focuses on Young Women in our church. I have had that calling for 3 years and absolutely loved it. I was released from that calling on July 15th and it came at a perfect time. It was before we told either of our families but I just really need the rest and needed to focus on this baby. I miss being part of the program so much but I was released at a perfect time.
* We made the last payment on our 2nd car this very month. That means we will be able to save a little extra than we have been. Perfect timing!
* Leila and Jonathan are 7 years apart. Jonathan and this baby will be 8 years apart. Not exactly a crazy coincidence but still.
Besides our immediate families, Julio only told a couple people from work, I told two of my close friends Jose and Kevin, and I told two women from my church. One of my friends from church, Cari was an amazing support. She had also gone through infertility. I actually told her I was going to be needing adoption info since we were having no success. She and her husband adopted their adorable son a few years back so I knew I could count on her for help. Besides my mom, she was one of the few people I told about our issues from the beginning and it was a little different with her because she understood how I felt. One conversation in particular has always stuck with me. I told Cari that I was told how I should just be grateful to at least have 2 kids, that there are women out there that have none. While that is very true, it did no one any good. It only hurt me and made me feel like I wasn't "allowed" to feel sad. Cari told me about a time they were closing in on their adoption and she started chatting with another lady that was there also. Cari asked the woman if it was their first baby and the woman said it was actually her 5th (or 6th). At first, Cari told me that made her angry. She was angry thinking of how much she struggled and how long it took her to finally be able to adopt and here was this lady, adopting yet another child. It all just felt unfair. That was when Cari told me that was when she realized that we are no one to decide how many kids someone is allowed to have and told me I was perfectly okay to feel sad over trying to have a third. That helped me so much. I felt a little better knowing someone was not going to roll their eyes at me and think I was stupid for being so sad over not being able to have another kid.
Listen, I am very blessed to have my two kiddos. I know this and it is the most rewarding and difficult thing I have ever experienced. I know there are women out there who have been through bigger trials than me, doing IVF for YEARS with no success. I know all of this. But this isn't a competition. I am not trying to outdo anyone, or try to have a depressing story to earn pity. I decided to share our experience for 2 reasons; to try and warn anyone who may be reading this about the Mirena Crash and because if this happened to me, I am certain it is happening to other women. I felt so alone and felt like I wasn't supposed to share this stuff because it wasn't that big of a deal. So, if you are going through this, I am here to listen and to try and help in any way I possibly can. I know how it feels and I am so incredibly sorry if you are dealing with infertility.
-- The Future --
Are you still here? Wow! I am babbling on and on so if you are still reading, THANK YOU.
I have been so incredibly sick these last few weeks but so incredibly happy over this pregnancy.
I still am afraid about early menopause. I have mentioned it to a few people and they chuckle when they hear me say I am afraid of it because of my age. Until I mention my mom's age when she went through menopause, then they see that it is a real fear.
One thing that is for certain about the future is I will never get an IUD ever again. I am actually terrified to get on any birth control because of what happened last time. I strongly feel that menopause is right around the corner, so I am excited to enjoy this pregnancy and meet this baby. I am done planning so meticulously, especially when it comes to our family. I have always been a planner and will continue to be, but I have to learn to quickly adapt to situations that are hard.
I have already told Julio that I feel like this is my last chance. I feel like this baby is such a little miracle and let's face the facts, I am not getting any younger and with my history, it doesn't seem likely I will have more kids. I have come to terms with it. I fully accept I will not have those 7 kids I dreamed about and that's okay. I just turned 34 years old and after years of trying, I am pregnant with baby #3. This little baby will be our tie breaker. Leila and Jonathan think it will be a girl. I keep thinking boy but the more I think that, "girl" keeps coming to mind. You already know what Julio thinks.
As corny as it sounds it's true, as long as this baby is healthy, we will be okay with a boy or girl. We can't wait to meet him/her.
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