A for sure guarantee...

          Although I have plenty to be thankful for, this is a day that I always have a sad feeling and an even worse mindset when it comes to my personal life in the past, present and future.

          To be clear about this, I have to go to the beginning. The very beginning, even before my existence. I have one older brother and one older sister. They are 8 and 7 years older than me, and even though my parents were married for years, it was not the best years or even happy for my family. Right before I was born is when my parents divorced. I grew up without a father and up until I was about four and a half is when I was first "introduced" to anyone resembling an older male that could possibly become an actual "father". My mom starting dating this man named Ricardo and I just remember he was so sweet to me. He was great. He had two sons that were around the same age as my brother and sister so it was like a nice big family that was formed. It was very nice and I don't have a single bad memory when it comes to him and the time that he and my mom were together.

I do not remember the time or place or how it occurred, but he told me to start calling him papi (dad). Being a little kid, I had no clue what that was, so I did. My mom never told me otherwise, so therefore that must have meant that there was not anything wrong with it. So, from then on, he became my dad. Whatever that was... I really did not know.

It was when we moved to the states that I started seeing families outside of my own that were with a mother and a man that did lots of stuff with their kids (play with them, fix things around the house, dressed up in nice suits...) I had always been surrounded by my immediate family that the fact that I had an actual "father" somewhere never dawned on me. It was around my 10th birthday that I started asking questions. We were in living in the states for about 2 years and my curiosity got the best of me. First, I would ask my mom. Then my brother, then my sister, then my grandma and so on. I would get different stories from every single person. My mother would never say anything hateful towards him but try to be honest to my young mind about this man who I never met. My sister talked about him as if he was the greatest person alive. My brother refused to talk about him but would always make sure to make a comment about him being a bum, a disgrace, a sorry excuse for a man. My grandma was the first who would start telling me the truth about him and I think because of her, my mother was forced to tell me things about him that maybe I was too young to know.

This person was a drunk. He gambled and basically spent all the family money, causing our family to go days and weeks without food. He was constantly in trouble with the law but the worst thing I found out about him is he was physically abusive to my mother. He literally would punch and kick her while she was on the ground. Not only that, but he would do that when she was pregnant with my brother. Then and only then is when I realized why my brother would talk to bad about him and refused to tell me such stories.  But now I knew...

The first time I ever heard from him was when I was in 7th grade. I was thirteen years old and he called our home and I answered. It went something like this...

him: Marilei?? Quien habla?? (Marilei?? Who's talking??)
Me: si... soy Marilei... con quien hablo? (yes... this is Marilei. Who am I speaking with?)
him: Hola hijita!! Como estas?? No puedo creer que te estoy hablando. Soy tu papi! (Hi sweetie! How are you?? I can't believe I'm speaking with you. This is your dad!)

Me: *complete silence* then tears * then start bawling * my brother grabs the phone...


My brother: Hola? Quien habla? (Hello? Who's speaking?)
him: Hola hijito! Te habla tu papa. Quiero hablar con Marilei y tambien contigo. Como estan todos? (Hi son! This is your dad. I want to speak with Marilei and with you as well. How are you all doing?)

*I don't really want to quote exactly what my brother said to him but in a nice way, he pretty much told him to f*ck off and not to bother us, especially me. And that if he tried to call and speak with him, he would get nowhere because he wanted absolutely nothing to do with him.

So, not the best way to start building a relationship. But it happened and then eventually, I did speak with him. But it was very short. It wasn't the same week or even year. I think it happened the following year. But the first thing that happened in my young brain when I heard his voice and I had an actual conversation with him for the first time was... "Huh... he sounds HUMAN. He doesn't sound like the monster I made him out to be." So, from there, I tried. I tried to understand. I would email him and he would email me... but eventually his responses got shorter and shorter. . . until suddenly they stopped. And stupid me, I would repeatedly write him wishing him the best, hoping he was okay and to please write me back soon. This would happen every single week for the next three years. I received NO RESPONSE.

I cried and cried. I could not figure out what had I done. I read my emails over and over trying to figure out what had I said that made him not want to write me anymore. I could not figure it out and it drove me crazy.

I looked to my family for answers but all I ever received was, "That is just the way he is..." But no. I wouldn't accept that answer.

After the three long and painful years, I got a random response. He emailed me asking how I was doing and apologized for his delay in writing me. That's the word he used... DELAY. It took three years!! And as mad as I was, a part of me was extremely happy to hear from him. So, I brushed it off and accepted his apology. He wrote me two emails and then they stopped again. No reason or explanation as to why. Just stopped. But this time was a bit different... they stopped after he had asked something from my brother and after receiving my brothers response, I received nothing from him.
 The thing he had asked my brother for was MONEY. Yes, money. That wonderful thing that separates and hurts family when it is played around with... yes, that very thing. I was still a teenager and although I knew full well how hard my brother worked to help my mom maintain our family, I did not see or understand the reason behind my brothers hatred towards this man. Why can't he just help him?? One hundred dollars just once wouldn't kill him.... right??
Oh man... how clueless was I. Please keep this in mind. I WAS A TEENAGER aka I thought I knew everything. So, the fact that our DAD was asking us for help must have meant something. He must really care for us to trust us like this, I mean, who else would he go to with something like this? Man, he really needs us... and he knows it.


And I have to tell you this so you might understand a bit better... That FEELING... that feeling of being loved by someone who should automatically love you but truly doesn't.... that feeling is something you never want to let go of. But once you do let go because you have to face the facts, that is the most painful thing a human being will ever have to endure.

So, the money. My brother refused and wrote him saying the obvious... How dare he asks his own son for money when he has never given anything to help support him, his education or his well being? He called him names, and my brother swore never to write to him again.

The same year one of my uncles went to Bolivia and when he returned he said he had a surprise for me. To my surprise, my uncle went to go visit my dad in Bolivia and recorded him talking. Seeing him move, and hearing his voice was .... indescribable to say the least. But there he was on tape. And man, the resemblance between him and my brother... WOW.
In the tape he said a lot of things; he listed his birthdays, he has never remarried, or had more kids, where he works, and some of the things he remembers about each of us. He remembers my sister always being girly and pretty, he didn't really say anything about my brother, he remembers me as being really chubby (WHICH IS A WELL KNOWN FACT IN MY FAMILY! I WAS HUGE!) and being really dark and having really slanted eyes. But other than that, he doesn't know a single thing about me. It wasn't a super long video, but it made me cry. I could not understand why he could sound soooo human. Why does he sound so normal when he is just so... mean?

Eventually, we started writing again. I found out he had remarried and actually had a son. So, he lied about that when my uncle recorded him. Why would ANYONE lie about something so sacred??? (And yes, family IS sacred) he lied about other things that were just too stupid to even lie about. When I would ask anyone in my family... "Why does he lie about these things??" I always received the same answer..... "That is just the way he is...."

Alright, well, this kept going on for years. He would stop writing and I would continue to desperately try and build SOMETHING with this stranger. Finally, in 2009 my mom was going back to Bolivia with my aunt and grandma. The first thing that popped in my head when I found out my mom was going was, "Perfect!!! I can send some gifts to him, his wife and son!! After all, they are my family."

I emailed him and asked him what size of clothes does his son wear, what does his wife like, what does he like.... etc etc. And much to my surprise, he replied instantly. Most of the time, within the hour. What ended up happening was this... I bought his wife perfumes and lotions from Victoria's Secret. YES, that super sexy and expensive store that every woman on earth loves. I thought, "Why not?? She'll love it!" I bought his son, MY BROTHER, a cool hoodie and some cologne. I bought my "father" some cologne, some chocolates that he loved and a nice leather jacket. I wanted to buy so much more and I even talked to my brother and sister into buying stuff for them so that way our mom could hand deliver it to them. My brother said I was wasting my money and that I would regret it later... my sister I think just bought him some simple cologne but didn't buy anything for his wife or son. My boyfriend now husband also helped me make this really cool specialized album of pictures of me and brothers and of course his grandkids. It wasn't your "just tape pictures on this page" kind of album. The pictures were printed on each page and the book itself cost over 70 dollars. My boyfriend suggested I stop right after that before I wasted all my money...

The day that my mom arrived in Bolivia was a very painful day. This man, the man that I'm writing about has called me less than fifteen times my entire life time... That day though, nope, different story. He called me repeatedly making sure my mom had the packages okay. In the hour and a half that my mom was supposed to arrive, got her luggage okay, and was settled and met up with who she was staying with, he called me a total of SEVEN TIMES. And in all those times, he never once asked how I was, how nice it was to talk to me, how was my daughter doing, how I was feeling. NOTHING. All he said each time was, "Does your mom have our gifts here yet?" THAT WAS IT.

Needless to say, I was heartbroken.

I didn't mention it to my mom because she was all the way in Bolivia, and plus, I didn't want to ruin her vacation. So, I stayed quiet.
What happened later though, I could not keep quiet about. Since I sent his family all those things, he wrote me and said he would buy me whatever I asked for from Bolivia and give it to my mom so that way she can bring it back to me. OKAY... I am not dumb and I know this man doesn't have a lot of money. All I asked him for is this style of silver plate that has cool designs on it and for it to please have designs on it that say BOLIVIA. Those things are NOT expensive and during the time that my mom was visiting (carnaval time), they are literally EVERYWHERE. He said he would definitely get me one and he even asked me what else I wanted. I thought, "Wow... he is so great! Hmm.. what should I say...?" So, the first thing that popped in my head was to own an EKEKO. It's a little statue that is meant to bring you and your family good fortune (you can Google it if you want!) Those were the two things I asked for. I didn't even START asking for anything, he was the one who pushed me to choose something. After three emails he wrote me and said he found me the coolest Ekeko and that I would love it. That he had bought it and the plate already. Excitedly, I emailed my mom and told her and she wanted to know where and when she could go pick them up for me. I asked him and he didn't reply for one whole day. Then, finally I got response and he just wrote that he was sorry but he couldn't find any Ekekos or any of those plates that I was asking for. Maybe I could ask for something else.

I WAS SOOOO CONFUSED. Didn't he already write me and say he already got them?? Sooo... what the heck??

I didn't reply to him right away. I forwarded the message to my mom and wrote in it what he had said in the previous email. She called him and cussed him out saying how dare he ask me for gifts but when I ask him for two small things, he not only lies about having them, but doesn't want to buy them for me. She told him he HAD TO go get them. Whether it was out of guilt, or fear or whatever, he did get them for me and I do have them. After that he wrote me an email calling my mom a liar and other bad things saying she was brainwashing me to hate him and she was spreading all these lies about him and other ridiculous things that my mother has NEVER done.
I should've called him and yelled at him, I should've never written him back, I should've done a lot of things. But what I ended up doing was questioning my own family. Not in a bad way, but in an "unsure" way and sometimes, that can be the most painful way to do things.
After I talked with plenty of my family members, something clicked inside me. I didn't understand why he would deliberately lie to me about such small things, why would he be so heartless when it was so unnecessary, why was he just so careless....??? And without anyone telling me, I just knew....
I sent him a last email telling him never to write me again. I told him he just fu%ked himself over for lying to me the way he has, I just don't understand why he needed to lie so much.

I asked myself that same thing... Why?? And like I said... I just knew...

This is just the way he is. He is never going to change. THIS IS JUST THE WAY HE IS.

As much as it hurt (and still does) it's the truth. I can't change him and don't understand him and sadly enough, I just wish he cared. If he cared just an ounce of how much I cared, that would mean the world to me. I don't understand why he doesn't love me. I don't understand why he doesn't care about me. Why? I don't think I'm such a bad person, why does he? I DON'T UNDERSTAND. I really just want to understand. And maybe if I understand, maybe I can change it. I truly don't know though. I have done so much without him ever being around that I should be proud of myself. But there is this piece... this missing piece. I don't know if it will ever be filled or even if it NEEDS to be filled. It probably doesn't need to be, but sadly I think a part of me will always feel this way.






I was watching videos on Youtube and came across this and this is pretty much how it feels. It feels EXACTLY like this....